The Boy

The Boy was certain of many things. Like the sun was a ball of fire the size of his thumbnail. And that he was irresistible to all girls, just that they didn’t know it yet. One thing he was not certain was, which way would Ashutosh kick the ball. Well, he knew it would be in the general direction of the goalpost, which it was his sacred duty to guard, but he was not certain of the exact projectile path. Not that he knew such big words as “projectile” and such; but hey, even if he knew, would that help him in his present predicament? What? It would? Naah, words ain’t that hot. Are they? Ohh, you meant that “if he knew the projectile”. I see. Now, I meant the word “projectile”. Pay attention here, okay. We are in the blithering, long-winding kind of narrative, and if we lose the thread you don’t know where we might wind up at. So let’s try this again.

Boy. Goalpost. Ashutosh. Football. Have to stop. Don’t know How. See, wasn’t that hard, eh!

So, the Boy made a momentous decision. He decided to use one of his superpowers. The one, where he moved faster than the human eye can see. Where the world gets all fly-in-syrup slow, and he saves the day. So, he moved forward, towards the ball, snatched it off the ground just before Ashutosh’s kick could reach it, gave Ashu a nice slap on cheek for good measure, turned back, reached his original position, checked that he was exactly in the right spot and preparing to smile enigmatically at his highly surprised playmates and.... woke up from his day-dream to find that the ball had actually been lobbed quite tamely inches away from his left foot, and that everyone was smiling at him. More like laughing uproariously at him, and calling him “The Incredible Dreamboy - Scourge of Crime”. Believe me, it ain’t that nice to be called a dreamboy by ten incredibly sweaty guys of your approximate age, wearing singlets and shorts. Unless, obviously, you find it “nice”, and before you ask, NO, The Boy ain’t of that particular persuasion.

If you looking for boys talking how they like putting on rouge sooo much, sorry, wrong number. The reason The Boy’s cheek (and his ears) were so red was embarrassment and chagrin that his super-power had not worked quite the way expected. “I need practice”, he thought practically. He was quite level headed that way. So, instead of being hounded out of the playground (again!!), he pleaded exhaustion and walked back towards his home. He heard some snickering, and assumed that Ashu must have cracked one of his highly-funny jokes that everyone kept talking of. All The Boy ever heard were some fairly inaccurate descriptions of anatomy in general, The Boy’s anatomy in particular.

Just before entering his home The Boy stopped to wipe out a few drops of water from his cheek. Must have been sweat, or some freak condensation, you know. Then he combed his hair to a semblance of order, using his clawed fingers. Not that it made any difference. There always was a tuft of hair which insisted on standing proudly erect, inspite of all kind of efforts. The Boy knew that this was because they served as antennae, for collecting and assimilating information for his various secret missions.

UGLIE 4 - And The Trouble Begins

Story Update:

Timeline 1:
In Elephantiston, the present king Strangulatus has died just after his marriage to two nubile princesses Eenie and Meenie, before... umm... getting to know them better.

The third sister, Maynee, was rejected by the queen mother Veracity (nee Bootifulbo Dee), a fisher-woman with an interesting past :ahem:.

The elder step-brother of the deceased king, Terribellus is bound by his oath to never become king (so he is the regent) and also remain celibate.

Maynee had asked Terribellus to marry her, as she was abducted by him, but as he rejects her, she claims mortal enmity and vanishes through the crevices of time with our friend Eddy.

Timeline 2:
In Confectioniston, the second most powerful kingdom after Elephantiston, has King Crash as the ruler, with Fortius, his alleged half-brother as the commander of army. He has a beatific smile, but it becomes even more angelic, whenever the topic of discussion is the power equation between the two kingdoms.

----

So, we see in cinematic slow motion Strangulatus falling dead....

For reasons of artistic licence, Terribelus, Veracity and the two newly wedded and queened Eenie and Meenie are there too, along with quite a few extras.... one of them is the handmaiden of the queens, Teenie. Rest are of no importance... as of now. Only, we are getting utterly nauseated by one guard picking his nose using three whole fingers in his nostril... examining the detritus.. and flicking them back with an expression a 50-50 mixture of nonchalance and pleasure, so we pan away from him, and onto Queen Mother Veracity (who by the way has aged quite well, and sorta is quite a good person to... umm... watch) ... and as we zoom on her face (what???) we realize that being unaffected and highly-prized audience, we can also read her thought, though in a different font.

Veracity: uhh.. ohh... my son dead!!! nooooooo..... i am so sad... :sob: ... but hey i am still Queen Mother.... wait.... but Terribellus is regent... and he can get anybody to be a puppet king... and there is no one in my line... as my son died before .... ummm.... getting to know his queens better... so what can I do... wait.... there is a rule .... where is the rule book... ummm ... here... now where are my specs.... damn... i forgot to bring 'em ... okay... let me ask Terribellus to read... he is so holier-than-thou that I can bank on him to kick himselfs in his .... umm... private parts again :mmuahahaha:

Audibly-->

Veracity: Terribellus... my son could you please read this particular clause in the Great Rule Book for The Ruling Class of Elephantiston. hee heee

Terribelus:Whaattt... this woman...Umm.. okay ... muh.. muhh... mother.... yadayadayada... yes... As per the decree of the Holiest of the holy God Kingasmus, when a king dies without any issue from his loins ... whaaaat ..... and he has no siblings from the same set of parents .... whaaaat.... it is the duty of his half-brother / half-brothers (strike whatever inapplicable) to provide the required issue with the queen / queens (strike whatever inapplicable) ... whaaaaattt

V: So, dear son, as you can see, it is now your duty to .... ummm.... provide the necessary inputs... for the continuation of the royal line.

T: Duh, why can't I just become the king?

V: For you are bound by your oath.

T: ummm... yess..

V: So, what is your plan?

T: Wait... he he he ... muh.. muhh... mother... I have also swore celibacy, so I can't, as you so delicately put, provide the necessary inputs.

V: ummm... you swore to my father, so I as his daughter can set you free.

T: You can???

V: yess.

T: OK

V: okay... being the daughter of Chief Whuzyurda Dee, I Queen Veracity (nee Bootifulbo Dee) hereby release.... wait... why are you smiling so much Terribellus?

T: Because, the vows were taken together, so as soon as you release from the second I automatically get released from the first... and i become.... KKKINGGGGGG...

V: Nooooo, but why can't I release you only half...

T: nope, that's not an option.

V: Damnn... okay... lemme think.... i need a half-brother of poor Strangulatus.... waitt.... ha ha ha... Terribellus... don't worry, you can remain under your oath. There is another half-brother of Strangulatus.

T: Where?? Don't tell me daddy didn't tell me about another son of his.

V: No, not his... someone else's.... he is my son with another man... don't make that face young queens, he was a holy man.... so is my other son... a holy man.... and he had told me before he left me that I will need him ...

[remember]

Islandus Uglie: "In time of need of any kind,
To call me thither don't you mind
Willingly shall I come in sooth
Unless occupied by the Forbidden Fruit.
I mayn't be pretty as you ohh mother,
But shall be of use to a posthumous brother."

[/remember]

My son, Uglie, your mother needs you in a time of need.

--- POOOF ---

Lot of smoke.... and when the smoke clears Islandus Uglie appears. He is as ugly now, as earlier.... more so.... and he is grinning from ear-to-ear... as unknown to us... he had always been here.... disguised as that irritating guard.... and we are not sure... but maybe King Pac's and King Strangulatus's deaths may not have been at all natural or accidental....

Islandus Uglie: yess ... mother dearest...

Veracity: son.... ugghhh... you are as beautiful as i last saw you...

IU: thank u... tell me mother why you called me..

V: son... your half-brother King Strangulatus is dead... and as per rules only way to continue the royal line of Elephantiston, you need to... you know... ummm.... fill in for your deceased brother, for a night... i mean two nights.... wait a minute... what if there is some problem.... three nights..

IU: okay... who is firstt....

---- lights dim ----

umm... friends... the later scenes need to be handled verrry carefully .... so that will be taken up in the next episode.... but as our friend Eddy is telling me... our two timelines may soon converge .... as it seems King Kong, his sister Princess Godzilla and her would-be husband Prince T-Rex, and the goat-herd leader Chief Binary-Gate and his would-be wife Famesia are to be born shortly as well, and as we know that of the last four atleast two are the parents of future King Crash... (no... no... no hanky-panky, he is son of one of the would-be married couples... i think... i hope!!!!)

So c'ya later in the Fifth Episode of the UGLIE saga, and yupp.... have fun!!!!

Commercial Break

Sorry for the interruption in the scintillating saga of UGLIE. I know my faithful readers (all Zero of them) would be clamoring for the last 9 and a half months for another installment... all in good time. But, some things have to be dealt with. So here goes....

One, I am not a figment of your imagination.... I am actually a flesh-and-blood sample of the species Homo Sapiens. I go by the name... uhh get to that later... you can call me Rincewind, for now (me started my bibliophilic career with Sherlock Holmes... hence this propensity towards suspense) .

Two, when the post heading doesnot start with UGLIE... it ain't part of the UGLIE saga. So those who were waiting for Terribellus... stop reading now.


Three, I shall be using this blog as my prep-blog for the GD/PI stages of CAT ... uhh... the Aptitude Test thingee for IIMs... nothing feline... really.... so need not report me to PETA.... seriously!!!


Four, you are not supposed to use any information gathered here...(i.e. from my next post onwards) to (a) Commit credit identity theft or (b) Commit intellectual identity theft (i.e. no plagiarism).

Okk.. that's it. Don't worry I shall get less obtuse, from next post onwards.

Ahhh... and yes I think we haven't been properly introduced...

I know... Really I know who I am... just ain't sure you wanna know it... YET!!!

UGLIE 3 - Eddies in Space Time Fabric!!!

Well ... all things have a reason....

Believe me ... they do... including the title to my blog entries...

ok... there's no reason why you must be made to know that.... but hey .... as the great philosopher said "exceptions prove the case"....

now back to the title... what happened was, that for once i actually read what i wrote (believe me... it shall remain the third most masochistic thing i did... second was when i tried to wrestle my roomie thrice in a day... first was... hey ... i won' tell you... )

so when i read it... i found out that we ain't goin' nowhere fast....

so i thought i shall condense the timelines...

So, from now on we shall have multiple narrative time-lines, and since i am sure i shall miff things up a bit (OK QUITE A BIT!!) so i shall take refuge in the strange quantum broohahaa about eddies in the space-time fabric which shall sort of chronologically prove that a man can be born three days before his grandfather...

The doubters may kindly go and find the seminal work on Quantum Physics and mathematics called "HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY" - a trilogy of four consisting of five books.

And people who have a problem, primarily due to the fact of their having actually read the "real" books on the subject (beware i am gonna be sarcastic!) may kindly go read them again until they make sense ... beating your head with the thickest of them may be conducive to the required results....

OK.... here goes........

By the way, Senor Eddy here is a swirl, a li'l flourish that things that flow do to sort of show off to their girl-friends.. ok... that's not a guy called Edward who is stuck there.. OK... i know.. i know a genuine doubt... no harm done

What you knew that all along?

Me too me too... hee heee

Ok whaTEVER...

So Terribelus now really feels his name is sorta right... u know terrible terrible time....

You are strong, young restless and stuff like that ...

Your dad sure to GOD really ain't...

You are the one whose social life is flat

And daddy covers the town with red paint

So he is not too ... ermmm... hunky dory when Daddy dearest shows him a newborn bugger "mewling and puking in his nurse's arms" and says "This here sonny... is yer young bro... wanna name him?"

He wrests his gaze off the nurse ... looks at the mewler (and the puker... same one though!!) and says "How's Strangulatus?"

--- Poof ---

Change of place.. (and time i presume.. remember Eddy?)

Now not too far from Elephantiston... is Confectioniston... ruled by King Kong ... a nice guy with a penchant for macabre methods of editing out parts of his family tree he ain't too happy about...

So his Pop is in the slammer coz he wasn't fast enuff to vacate the throne posthumously.

His sis (along with her husband) is serving time for no reason other than Kong once read a word-power-made-easy book, and realized he never wanted to be avuncular, since it sounded so gross, and when he found out that as long as he had no nephews or nieces, he would firmly remain non-avuncular...

So, he decided to keep an eye on the only source of his avuncularism... the hapless couple Princess Godzilla and Prince T. Rex. And kept killing their off-springs.

Not far from that place was Navadnirv (pronounced Naw-dere or "not there").

There resided a tribe of fun loving peaceful goat-herds, in the house of their Chief Binary Gate (under whose tutelage lived Prince T.Rex's other wife Facetia and her son Fortius) was born a nice, smiling, dark-skinned, blue-eyed kid, Crash.

Yup ... no doubt there.... Crash was sharp... and sweet.... and felonious.... and very, very ambitious...

As he grew up... and he did grow up fast... he found that though he was the chieftain's son ... and treated like a prince and all his amorous advances were successful on the average... Fortius was a real prince....

So... he started calling Fortius his brother... rather than calling him a companion who was "like-brother" (a simple inversion of a simile into a metaphor, huh!!)

Fortius was way too happy.... since he surely was a lonely chap....

And then after one nice, long-drawn season of palace intrigue and political assassinations and public propaganda...

King Kong was dead... Princess Godzilla and Prince T Rex were freed... and Crash was recognized by all as their son who had miraculously escaped Kong's machinations by.... divine... yes, divine intervention .... and had been kept safe from his non-avuncular uncle, along with Rex's other son Fortius... see they call each other brothers, right?... and Crash was not a son of Facetia .... so he must be a son of Rex.... and since Rex has only two wives.... he must be a son of Princess Godzilla.... and uhh.... our King Kong is dead.... and his Pop is tooo old to be king again if we can actually find him... and Prince Rex is sort of raving mad.... as he refuses to see that this nice young man is his actual son.... so only thing we can do is make Crash our new king.... with Fortius as his commander-in-chief.

So King Crash and his propensity to use his angelic smile and not-so-angelic schemes became a major player in the political scenario... as ...ohhh didn't i tell you.... Confectioniston was the second most powerful kingdom in Intermediate Earth.... Elephantiston being its only superior in might and gross surface area.

And Crash was seen smiling almost too angelically whenever general talk veered towards the power equations between Elephantiston and Confectioniston.

and ... Poof.... (Massa Edward... remember...)

OK ... we are now at a stage in Elephantiston that Pacificus is dead... and Terribelus is regent to King Strangulatus.... who is quite weak and has rheumatism too.

And one day Queen Veracity, widow to King Pacificus, called Regent Terribelus to her chambers.

Teribelus went there expecting another request for more fishing righs to the tribe of Chief Dee...

But this time Veracity (nee BootifulBo Dee) had bigger fish to fry (pun wholely intended!):

Queen V: uhh terribelus ... son...
Regent T: yes... mo... mo... mom!
V: good job u are doing
T: thanx
V: but u see, u can't be king
T: i know
V: and u can't marry
T: i know
V: and ur offsprings also can't be kings
T: I KNOW!!!!
V: so ... don' u think Strangy should... uhhh ... be given a chance to make sure there are someone from whom ur offspring can't take the kingship.
T: but i can't have offspring so where is the need for.....
....
Oh... you mean Strangy should be married soon.... or he may ... uhh....

Strangy as we know is always sick-bedded
And complains that all colors seem so gray..
So he should be married and breeded
Before his oh-so-near expiration day.

V: Egg-zactlee!!
T: Wokay

So Terribelus just went and annexed a small princedom... and brought the three nubile marriageable princesses of that un-pronounceable land ... whose names were so unpronounceable that they were called by all as Eenie, Meenie and Maynee (who later had a sex-change operation and called himself/herself as Moe)

So... we have Eenie, Meenie, Maynee (Moe)...
Who are to be wedded to their erstwhile foe,
Queen V says "By rules a king can have queens only two?"
She likes the first two and to third she says "Shoo!"

So Maynee is all red with shame
Not that it was her real name
She stares at Terribelus with hatred scary
And vanishes in time with our friend Eddie.

Strangulatus was married to the two beautiful princesses ... and after the end of all the ceremonies .... he went for his usual break for ingesting the whole tray of medicines that were supposed to increase his longetivity... was in a hurry to .... uhhh.. know his new wives well, and sort of choked and dropped .... DEAD!!!!

And that started the real problems that would in the future the cause the biggest and the bloodiest and the stupidest wars that was ever seen on Intermediate Earth.

But all in good time....

By the way shall be gone for another fortnight in Gujjuland.... the next episode on return i guess.... but since by that time mom and dad shall be here... and they are quite against my ideas about the tall stories of victors of war that turned to mythologies, that nowadays have caparisoned themselves as religious texts i shall refrain from postings for quite some time... not that it would make any difference... but thought i shall warn my avid even though non-existent readers about a slight hiatus.

So here's to bulking up of abdominal adipose layers

Ciao

UGLIE 2 - Go Fish!

Well... there are flash-backs and flash-forwards.... right.

Since a linear time-line is as interesting as a Notepad file with 3,42,975 words and all of them "boring" (actually that was what i wrote in a fit of intense, all pervasive, liking for Vadodara a few days ago.... )... we shall refrain from the same (linear time-lines not the notepad stuff... c'mon that's a way to defuse dangerous pressures).

So, as soon as our friend Pacificus does his tongue-lolling-drooling-routine, we pan away and then zoom in our narrative on a luscious looking damsel (much better sounding than "babe" and oh so retro!!!) in a figure-enhancing two-piece ...... sari, ending with a very close close-up on her ....

EYES (what... you expected something else?)

Then we zoom out going back in focus points as well as time and we find the future Queen Veracity in exactly the same pose of allure and in fact in the same costume, we do a pan back and instead of our buddy Pacificus, we find a bearded godman all shining with the light of knowledge and the sweat of celibacy and undergoing the same tongue-lolling-drooling-routine.

This is the all powerful sage Eureka Forbes (Forbes for short) and he is full of godly knowledge, divine wisdom and worldly desire for Miss Bootifulbo Dee (the future Queen Veracity)... whom we shall call Tiffy... as her pop (Chief Whuzyurda Dee) calls her.

Well our new (or is it old??) friend Forbes has this highly pure and divine feeling that he must know what he condemns, so before talking of the ills of ... uhh... bodily urges and the mishaps of the soul it causes he must partake of the Forbidden Fruit.

Ok... cut to the chase.... Forbes has it for Tiffy and he is godman and hence in the land of those times he can do everything... which he goes ahead and uses his prerogative (sorry no descriptive commentary...).

Now he is of divine powers and stuff like that.... so instead of the normal gestation of nine months and all the problem of pain.... Tiffy sneezes and out pops a fully grown guy whom Forbes and Tiffy call Islandus Uglie.

Why, you are bound to ask,is he named so?

First name was on the place he was born.

Second name was on the physical appearance.

Islandus is not too happy to be sneezed into existence and after wiping the snot off himself he quite rightly refuses to stay with his Mom (Tiffy was way too pleased about that....) and prepares to go along with Daddy Dearest in search of knowledge, truth and the familial propensity to experiment in ... uhh... the Forbidden Fruit.

But before leaving he addresses his mom thus...

"In time of need of any kind,

To call me thither don't you mind

Willingly shall I come in sooth

Unless occupied by the Forbidden Fruit.

I mayn't be pretty as you ohh mother,

But shall be of use to a posthumous brother."

Uglie had this thing of rhyme that was quite hard to stop. And also he was prescient.

So with this sneak preview of the future, we pan back to Tiffy and do the zoom thing, then zoom out and pan back and this time in the present and on Pacificus who has stopped his tonge-lolling-etc to talk to Chief Dee about getting his daughter's hand (along with the rest of her, I presume) in marriage.

Chief Dee looks thoughtfully at Pac, then at Terribelus and the back at pac and then at Tiffy and then back to Pac...

And then he scratches himself thoughtfully... sighs....

Stands up...

Sits down again...

Then clears his throat.... find something amiss.... takes a glug from the tumbler by his side ....

And says..

King Pac, I have approximately no problem in your proposition. But as you may not be aware I knew a girl who lived nearby who seemed to be quite sure of your being a very wicked man..."

"So... before you indulge in any Gandharva-like activity, would you mind making a solemn promise and signing here on these pre-nuptial papers drawn by my lawyer which says your kingdom and all that stuff belongs to my would-be grandson"

King Pac almost snatches the papers and signs it.

Chief Dee still is hesitant....

"Ok ... fine... well done... and all that"

"But Prince Terribellus seems quite a strapping and war-like lad"

Here Teribelus jumps in to be all virtuous (as he was wont to)

"Uhh... I am game man.... i don't need nothing of the kingdom.... "

Chief Dee: " But what if young man your future kids are less cool about this"

Terribelus: " OK, peace... i won't have any... infact i already am the greatest patron of the artisans who make those latex things"

Chief Dee: " I hear they are effective only 90% of the time"

Terribelus: " Whatt... man this sucks"

Chief Dee: " I know... SO???"

Terribelus: " OK i shan't marry ever"

Chief Dee: "AND....."

Terribelus: " Time out man... that's going tooo far"

Chief Dee: " OK suit yourself... Sorry Pac"

Terribelus: "Pop stop poking me .... ok... ok.... and shall also refrain from .... uhhh.... any potential situation which may cause any inheritance problems"

Chief Dee: " That means...?'

Terribelus: " OK ... i take the vow of celibacy goddamit.... oooops"

Chief Dee: "Cool... Tiffy .... dear daughter.... so long and good riddance.... and by the way Terribelus ... it may interest you to know that you have actually sworn a quite awful vow"

Terribelus: "Hey i just said that..... and we kings are known to break anything worth breaking... i never actually swore goddamit......

ooops.... i did swear..... uhhh.... may i have a swig from that tumble of yours"

Chief Dee: "Sure...."

With this we pan back.... hey waitaminnit... who's that taking notes surreptitiously?

UGLIE....

oh .... did i tell you he had already stopped all that search-for-divine-knowledge, and was a wannabe novelist....

And....

Nothing man... rest shall follow l8r....

UGLIE -1 : How Terribelus had Bad Start!!

So long long time ago in the days of yore in the prosperous kingdom of Elephantiston of Intermediate Earth, King Pacificus Atomus lived the life of enforced celibacy. The reason was quite simple but ... quite convoluted. It was in fashion (you know ... the in-thing) to have ... ermmm.. romantic encounters with divine entities, or atleast magical (dwarfs, giants, fairies... stuff!).

So, one fine day, Pac decided that he, too, wanted to be part of the in crowd. So he thinks of hooking up to a divine entity (preferably female) ... who
A. Was not claimed as a lover by his contemporaries.... or else matching the stories with each other would be an added problem.
B. Was accessible, so that he didn't have to take too much time off from his general party life

After lots of searching in the hefty religious tomes and the back-issues of Page 3 gossip columns he singled out Madam Gargles, goddess of a brook which was supposed to be magical, and of divine origin to boot. So, he starts roaming the banks of Gargles..... in search of the human personification of the brook.

Why? See.... you can claim whatever you may dream of, but having connubial bliss with literjons of water from the brook was not (and still ain't!) a conducive thought. One fine day he chanced upon a ethereal looking woman moving along the bank. He runs like a mad man ... accosts her... and asks " Are you Lady Gargles?"

She says "Yes........... so...... "

Well, she had no other choice than answer in the affirmative, did she?

You can't tell the king of the area that he is nuts, especially when he has displayed exactly the behaviour that supports the assumption.

Pac is all "Yo... I am part of the in-crowd"

He wastes no time and conducts Gandharva Vivah with the damsel (another fashionable thing of the times, where you marry a woman but with certain deletions in the elaborate marriage rituals.... namely the start and the middle... keeping only the end.... which as all enlightened kings knew was the real reason for all the shekaboom!)

After some interval Pac realized this was no goddess, just a girl from the nearby village, who kept sobbing incontrollably and talking of meeting her parents and telling them what a bad BAD man King Pac was. So, he cooked up a story that Lady Gargles and he shall be away from the public eye as she was shy of mortal eyes... except his.

After a year of this enforced PR exercise a baby boy of immense size was born.

The alleged Lady Gargles says, "All my earlier kids born this way, I drowned in the river yonder... c'mon lemme get this terrible kid out of the way... you say nothing and neither would I. No one will know that your story of DIVINE love is crap."

This gave Pac an idea. He tells the damsel to get lost ("and here is some moolah to help you remain lost") and goes to town telling Lady Gargles bore to him 13 sons. They being divine incarnations of some distant stars (of the blinking type... not singing..duh!!) and so she put them to their "salvation" (read "death") but the last one, b'chance could not be sent to his salvation... so here he is ... (clap clap clap)...

He was named Terribelus (after the first adjective his mother thought up for him... Pac really liked the Damsel ... Gargles or no Gargles!!)

So Terribelus came to being.... son to a King, heir to a great nation, rumoured to be the true-blue son of a real Goddess.

One problem.

He believed the story, with all the bells and whistles....

He took to be all virtuous (holier than thou... and thou... and thou too!) and taking really annoying visits to his mother.... moving o the banks of the brook and calling her mom, in his exceedingly irritating contralto....

And Pac.... was very very sore (this went on for 12 years, you see)!

He made up a story about marrying a goddess... Right?
The goddess is the brook actually ... right?
The brook is still there ..... right?

So he can't marry again.... least of all a mortal woman... however delicious looking they may be to his celibacy-tinted eyes...

So he joins Terribelus on his sojourns to the river bank... in search of the girl (who, we may safely guess, had relocated en-famile to an arid desert far far away. in terror of regal love and its consequences!)

And there on the banks of Gargles, one day Pac saw a beautiful woman, in a skimpy fisherwoman dress... definitely of non-divine fleshly origins .... (Pac had better words for that... but we shall not repeat them!!) ... and his drooling wouldn't stop for even the time required to say "I wan't that babe!!"And therein started the bad times of Terribelus.....

............ to be continued........

Posterity should be corrected!!

The What-If’s of an innocent mind has an evil counterpart in a cynic’s refuse-dump of a brain. It comes out as “What the f#@$!”....

In my childhood the national television network of India, namely Doordarshan (nothing far fetched, just the Hindi term for television, though in more innocent times it meant far sightedness … as a positive feature not as hypermetropia) showed a serialized version of the longest and probably the grandest epic of the world, Mahabharata.

As a kid, I was all believing and gullible as kids go... though I found the technicolor feats of innocuous looking arrows a little hard to digest.

And I really, really detested the characters Yudhisthira, Bhima, Arjuna, Kunti and Draupadi (Nakula and Sahadeva were too inconsequential for even my detestation!). Not that I liked Duryodhana and Dusshashana. Karna and Bhishma were two chaps I found close to likeable.

And I always found the perpetual grin at Krishna's face slightly terrifying (the neighbourhood bully gang always put on similiar smiles before any misfortune occured on Yours Truly).

So how come the good guys are obnoxious, the guys on the wrong side seemed better human beings (and actually were considered so even by all the "good guys"), and the whole shekaboom was as hard to digest as the Vegetable Biryaanee I concoted last month?

Something was decidedly fishy.....

(in the mahabharata story rather than my ill-fated culinary experiment... that was more "cabbagey"!!)

So when I grew up in stature (mental mostly... as my physical frame stopped axial growth and started radial proliferation way too early... but that's another story!!)... where was I? Yess.. when I grew in my mental stature to reach heights of intelligence, astuteness and knowledge I decided that one day the story of Mahabharata should be retold (atleast partially!!) to be closer to truth as it might have been.

C'mon guys (and girls... definitely the girls ) history is written by the winners... and they always go the full hog to get all the greatness and virtue at their side of the bargain and all the villainy and questionable conduct on the hapless losers side... who can hardly protest... they being:

A. Dead

B. Dying

C. Hiding

D. All the above

And still it turns out the lead characters of the "good" side are obnoxious, atleast two of the "bad" guys are eerily virtuous. So the truth MAY (caps for emphases) have been that the better-of-the-two sides may have lost .... and posterity was tampered by the winners and their sycophants(c'mon walking to heaven rather than dying.. whom are you kidding?)...

Since truth was tampered once it can be tampered again... but this time trying to balance it out...

Worth a try.... huh!!

I am not a good story teller... opting the tortuous byways to the straight and fast highway, in my travel of narrative, so kindly bear with me.

This being Serial 0000000001, let's just touch upon the setting we are gonna set our story (no heroes or villains... just characters here)... with some conjectures which may, and most probably are, incorrect.

For considerations of the type Oh-VHP-supporters-don't-lynch-me we shall call the initial setting as Elephantiston in Intermediate Earth (Tolkien-heads kindly adjust and mark I haven't crossed any trademark lines!). We start with King Pacificus Atomus, overseer of the greatest kingdo in Intermediate Earth. He was blessed with a precocious kid Terribelus by some ill-fated relationship, which we won't touch upon for reasons of ..... uhhh.. some kind. In other words I know, but I won't tell you .

There will be gaps in narrative... and other deletions in narration as can be expected from me...

I won't even promise to start it ... leave alone finish it!!!

I just wanted to write a prologue... which I have done... ha ha haaaaaaa

I name this trial-of-convoluted-text as "Utterly Great Local Incidents of Intermediate Earth". All posts with an aim to further this thread of narrative shall be prefixed by "UGLIE".

And the one who is planning to report me to :

A. VHP

B. Shiv Sena

C. Yahoo Report Abuse

D. All the above.

may kindly refrain from doing so, as I have trusted you guys (and girls... definitely the girls ) and breaking trust is a sin... and sinners go to hell... and i hear its quite uncomfortable in Hell...

You stand warned...

Here's to furthering the cause of Adipose Storage in the abdominal area.

Ciao